Quiting Wokai

Casey

So I wanted to quit Wokai for the 40,000th time yesterday. And yet today I am still here, working at Wokai. Go figure.

What was the straw that broke (or didn’t break) the camels back?

After working until midnight the night before, I started my day with an email from Courtney:

“I know you are busy Casey, but I think this was kind of a half-assed effort.   Some of the points in the meeting minutes I wrote were not included. And it looked subpar.  I know I have not been around to help out as much this week and last, but that is mainly due to the new job and figuring out how to do things. We will get this figured out, but I need your help here over the next month. "

Harsh right?

My immediate reaction was, "I am not fit to run Wokai. Now that Courtney can't save my butt fixing up the junk work I produce, things are going to go kaput".

Yes. In short, I flipped.

And I think I get why I flipped. The story of my name, Casey Wilson, is actually pretty interesting. My mom is 100% Irish from Minnesota. Both of her parents came from 12+ person Irish Catholic families from the farmlands of Minnesota and by chance, both their family names were Casey (don't worry, I'm not a product of incest...no blood relation). So, when my grandparents met, fell in love, and married, my grandma had no need to change her maiden name. They ended up having six very Irish Catholic children, one of which went to the convent, another of which went to seminary school.

Flash about forty years forward....My parents got married at a secret wedding with only 4 attendants, and then headed down to Death Valley for their honeymoon in an old Volkswagen van (the type with the cool pop-up tent roof). The next morning my father (who was 60 years old at this point) went for a run at four thirty in the morning and came back with an inspired idea. He woke up my mom and said:

"Joanne, I have an idea. When I was running it came to me that you need to be a mother. Your mother was such a wonderful example of a mother to you, you in turn with your loving nature would be a wonderful mother and should have the experience of raising a child of your own [he already had four children from two separate marriages by this point, the first, my sister Gayle, was from one of those World War Two marriages when soldiers married right before heading out to war to ensure that their genes went on even if they didn't make it]. The story of your parents is so romantic that the child should carry on the name Casey. It will be Casey Barrios Wilson if it's a boy [my father's middle name] and Casey Louise Wilson if it's a girl [my Grandma's first name]."

My mom thought he was totally insane and spent the rest of the day mulling over whether she had just made the worst decision of her life marrying this crazy man.

Flash two years forward....I come out of my mom and instead of screaming "it's a girl!", my father screams "it's Casey Louise!".

My mom says that the Irish Catholic within her makes her instantly react to criticism with a sense of guilt, before analyzing whether or not the claim is accurate and she in fact did anything wrong. While I grew up in a Christian Scientist environment where everyone analyzed their world down to the smallest atom, the Irish Catholic Guilt must live on in my "Casey" name.

Now back to my email.

In retrospect, my reaction was a totally irrational thought and the work I produced was fine. That Irish guilt in me just weighed its strong arm for the day while I comtemplated the things that I could move on to after I quit:  enjoying the Beijing's Olympic games, heading back to California to hike to my hearts content in the back hills of Berkeley, or maybe even going back to teaching sea-kayaking in the San Francisco Bay [my only real job so far]....

These waves of feeling on top of the world and then hopeless in trying to actualize a bigger than life idea are crazy. And pretty entertaining to look at in retrospect. I am sure Courtney enjoys them too. Those Irish Catholics and entrepreneurs out there might relate.

Comments

[Jay Liew]

Life is a great bicycle race, whose goal is the fulfilment of one’s Personal Legend.

We all set off together, sharing our friendship and enthusiasm. But as the race progresses, that initial happiness fades before some very real challenges: tiredness, boredom, doubts about our own abilities.

We notice that a few friends have given up - they are still cycling, but only because they cannot stop in the middle of the road; there are a lot of them, pedalling dutifully along beside the support vehicle, talking amongst themselves.

We finally leave them behind, and then we come face to face with loneliness, unfamiliar bends in the road, mechanical problems with the bike. And after a while, we start to ask ourselves if it’s really worth all the effort.

Yes, it is. It’s just a question of not giving up.

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2007/12/12/daily-message-157/

You're an awesome person, Casey. In case you haven't noticed.

:)

[Jake de Grazia]

I can't help but want to give that metaphor an alternate ending...

Maybe you'll leave the friends behind, but you won't be out by yourself forever. Not if you keep going, and not if the friends know you've kept going.

People slow down because they're afraid, because they think it's impossible.

If you plow on and prove them wrong for long enough, they'll pedal again. You'll chase away the fear. They'll see you going strong off in the distance, and they'll race after you.

The ones that are in the right race, of course. The cyclists. The ones you want riding with you.

I've always thought Coelho gives a little too much glory to the individual effort. I think it's a bigger and better accomplishment to play well with others, to successfully share in the adventure.

Either way, though, Casey, I'm glad you're hanging in there. I trust that you have plenty of pedal left, and I'm confident I'm speaking for a whole lot of people when I say I'm happy to cruise along behind you and help as much as I can.

[Zac Hinton]

Casey, what you guys are doing there is fantastic. You've already achieved great things to get where you are, and I'm sure there are plenty more great things to come.

To even start with the journey you guys have begun takes a lot of courage, and it takes extra courage to continue every step of the way. It's not an easy path, but I believe, in my brief encounters with you and Wokai, that you have all the guts, determination, principles and talent that you need to make it work.

And last but not least, you have the support from many other people who believe in you and what you're doing.

I certainly empathise, and go through similar emotional swings on a regular basis. The downsides may be tough, but when things go right it all seems worth it.

Good on you for continuing every time you feel that way, I'm sure many people wouldn't. And keep up the great work!

--

On a side note, great story too - we used to have an old VW campervan with a pop-up roof too. They're fantastic - many happy memories :)